When someone in your life passes away it is devastating and you sometimes do not know how you will cope without them. People say that with time the pain gets easier to deal with. For me when I lost my grandparents I don’t think I ever grieved, Mainly because I have children and I felt like I had to put on a “strong persona” and maybe I haven’t ever taken this off. I think that as soon as I had my eldest daughter I suddenly felt that I would always have to the seen as the strong mother and not to show any pain that I might be going through. But that actually has been a thing that I have always done throughout my childhood. I have never been able to talk about feelings and have always kept everything to myself which I know I have spoken about many times. Doing this is partly a reason why I ended up in the Physc unit back in June 2015. I have tried to talk about how I am doing but I either cant get there words out or I’m too scared as I think that they will want to chuck me back into the Physc unit.
If I opened my head up all you would see is everything that I have ever kept to myself needing to spill out but I am managing to push it all down to make more space for anything else that needs to be kept up there and brought out into the light and have people knowing how wacky I am. People often say that I need to let feelings out and I always sit there and listen and answer “yes I no and I will talk to you if I need to”. Its just automatic instinct to answer like that. I have seemly perfected the whole “Hey!! how are you? Me… I’m great thank you!!” Its so easy that it just rolls off my tongue. Its scary actually scary at how easy it is, and people can keep saying “all you need to do it change” or “you’ve just got to stop doing it”. I’m sorry but if I wish I could do it that quickly and switch from keeping everything to myself to being able to talk about everything don’t you think I would of done it in a heartbeat. Its the same with me having Bipolar 2, if I could stop having it I would again and come off all medication and try and be as normal as people wanted me to be. But life isn’t that easy, if there was the perfect way to:
* Stop the voices in my head
*Stop me seeing her
*Stop the pain in my head
*Stop me not being able to release the feelings and pain
*Stop me having really bad days
*Stop comparing me to everyone else
*Help me be able to release feelings and actually get them out of my head when I write them down in my journal or on here.
Therefore you cannot make me normal, you cant compare me having many many many down days to someone having an “off” day. Or turn to me and say “oh I’m so bipolar today” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” or “I think I’m bipolar because my mood today has changed a few times”.
Having this mental health illnesses is not fun. Taking three lots off medication twice a day is not fun. Living with the fear that tomorrow you will go manic or hit rock bottom. Or with me watching my daughters with eagle eyes trying to work out if they are turning out like me or are just acting their age.
Most days I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but luckily for me I HAVE to as I have a family and a job where I’m needed and have to get up and have given myself the ultimatum to make myself get up.
I and we all just have to remember that no matter how hard a time we are going through we will get there…