I’ve been getting writers block last few days and today I’ve just sat outside and ideas came flying into my head. But in was just sat there and suddenly the realisation that we’ve been here six years now and we are still like outsiders to all the locals. Was watching next door who has been here less then two years or possibly just over I don’t know. But she is so into all the local cliche, they all go out for dinner together. go round each other’s houses and have cups of tea. lahdidah stuff really lol.
But I think that it gets to me because they come in and act all concerned and hi how are you? when all they really want is something to be able to gossip about. make up shitty rumours which they don’t realise do actually have a bad effect. and when they come in all concerned asking about some rumour I have to act all fine and joke about it when it’s actually killing me inside, and I just want to cry.
it’s a time like now even writing about it a wave of sadness has fallen upon me and all I want to do is cry and scream. I get told to rise above it, don’t let it get to you and oh it’s just rumours. I know all this, but when all I’ve ever done is to rise above it and when I’m currently at my lowest energy to fight anything again is when it’s really stings because I no that it’s all from people that acted all concerned about me when I was in the physc ward. when all I think they were actually doing is yes helping and being concerned, but now I’m back it’s like their ashamed to even ask anything more then how are you.
But hey “rise above it eh….”
I tried and I can’t. I’ve fought so many demons and these rumours are twisting around in my head. Doesn’t help that my mental health automatically shuts everything down and goes into over mode….
enough already, emotions stay inside. keep hardened face on. show no emotions on outside. keep mask on. I say all these to myself all the time.