How do i answer….

Was talking about how I want to know more about my biological perents. More about what everyone did and are doing with their lives.  I don’t know exactly what I want to know I just wanted to find out my adoption records.

Do I want to meet my biological parents,well my mum not my dad as no one seems to know where he is. But this question of meeting her is something that has always been in my head for as long as I remember. Some days I’m like i’d like to meet her and see what she’s doing now and what she’s done with her life. And other days I think and remember what she was like and how her voice is in my head and one of reason I landed in physc ward.

But I don’t want to be doing anything without finding out information about the whole adoption. I think it’s all started to eat more inside of me because when I was seeing the ward physcologist we discussed this subject. Also about whether I would go any further then just getting information about everything, would I take it a step further or would I want to stop. I just said that it was one of those subjects that I would stop when I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with anything else happening.

Sometimes I have dreamt about meeting her face to face and just letting go of all my emotions that are locked up in myself in my head, mind and soul. Just letting go and telling her everything and making her answers the so many questions that I have in me and want answers to. Answers that cannot be answered by getting information or answered by anyone else, only she or he can answer them. See I don’t know what I want to come from trying get access to any information but i can only but see where this road is going to take me. And I know that I and I alone can deal with this myself. Find this all and let go of the demons.

Demons are what are driving me crazy when I think about past. Also mood fluctuations throughout the day make thinking about it all even harder. Another reason when bipolar sucks!!

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