what brings me to think the way that I do:
* Jean my biological mother. she has gradually come into my head ever since Sinbad my eldest daughter 8 years ago. slowly she has become stronger and managed to get this tight hold onto me and able to twist and me believe her. anything that I do with my girls she brings me down. I never show that she’s telling me how bad a mother i am as I think that if I am believing her then if I speak out about it then people will be constantly watching me in every aspect of what I do with my family. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect mother but that doesn’t seem to register in my head. Even though I am writing it down here right now I’ve actually just laughed but not in the haha!! but in the sad way of thinking “damn I’ve lost this battle”.
* Anna. well what do i say about her? Well she is a manipulative piece of work. I managed to knock her down and get back to eating as normal as I can. she has suddenly become a stronger voice again in my head. I have put weight back on but now as she is getting stronger she has got her clutches into me and there’s no way of knowing how far she will push me again. I half think it’s because I no I have to wear a dress for my sister’s wedding as I’m a bridesmaid. so feeling the pressure to be the right size that I want to be.
Any comment about my weight or how I look affects me in the biggest way possible. no one actually realises that their comments about me putting weight actually has on me with Anna being as strong as she is getting. She seems to be able to make me be able to flip a nice comment into something really vile about myself. people have been saying that I look a lot better. she instantly turns it into something horrid. I can sometimes try and tell myself that “that’s it I’ve had enough of her now. time to fight back” but i can try all I can with every ounce of my being and energy but she has become stronger now.
I once turned to a Facebook group that was somewhere you could talk about eating disorders. I tried to explain how my mind worked then and wrote all about Anna and everything. Thinking that people who are fighting the same thing would or might be in the same boat as the saying goes. But I instantly got shut down as someone said that I was just trying to get attention and promote eating disorders. I shutdown instantly and no matter how many times the admin or other people would try and help me this one slamming of how was thinking made me know that I couldn’t talk to anyone about how Anna was in fact the one promoting it in my head but I was trying my damn best to fight her and wanted to get help or some sort of support outside of family as it was easier to ask.