another day…

Another day…. a new start….? Nope stuck already… eaten special k porridge pot and feeling sick wanting it out of my system. But am stuck in shop so that’s one good thing I suppose otherwise I would be making it come out.

Have lost another lb so down to 11 stone 6 lbs. Scary thing is it actually feels good. The feeling of feeling proud. Anna’s proud therefore I’m keeping her happy. So that’s a good thing right?

No no it’s not my head is so screwed right now and feels like it will be permanently.

With the different concoctions or diet pills and etc that I’ve taken. All the different meds I take and the many times I’ve over dosed on pain killers and etc. Don’t no how much damage I’ve done to my body as I never go to hospital I just allow on in between throwing up and all the side effects.

I have been hospitalized once but that was for an od. And I only stayed in for 24 hours but was put on bed rest for 3 days. The side effects were horrendous.

There sure still times are so dark and I do seriously contemplate going and leaving this world. I have even written letters to each of my family explaining why I have to go. I’m exhausted of this darkness it’s a cliff face that I’m hanging onto.

Outwardly I seem so happy and bubbly, yet in my head I’m all over the place. My head feels like it’s gonna explode. That’s why I write on here. Try to get out of my head the fckd up thoughts and feelings. Hate it. Even though I do write on here it’s all st in my head…

 

Lisa x

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3 thoughts on “another day…

  1. It feels like your making Anna proud but just remember every time u feel even a bit guilty or upset at yourself, thats making Anna angry… Which is the real ‘good thing’ keep on pushing through the darkness, dark only exists because light does too!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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